Bennett asked me the other day if he could have another birthday party...and i said "we only get one a year!" He said "Have you had a birthday, mama?" To which i replied "yes,ive had THIRTY FIVE!!!" As the words spilled out my mouth as carelessly as these years seem to have past, i was shocked into silence. My eyes wide along with my mouth. ( at least that's how i felt) GOOD LAWD, how did that happen? How did i get 35 already? Why are these years passing so quickly? Is my heart racing? Why dont i do more volunteering and unselfish acts? im pretty sure im having a midlife crisis. I have no money to spend on something frivolous?...what can i do to mark this big event? i need time. I have no time to contemplate this birthday...except right now in my bloggy world. Even now i have a Children's Casio piano playing in the background while baby Einstein is on TV to pacify the kids a second. MAn, am i a bad mom..? ug... My thoughts are as confused as the sounds in my house.....all up against each other in disharmony...
There is so much, so much to be thankful for...and yet there is so much that saddens me.
I left the room and took this picture in the mirror...a good long 1 minute look. I asked GOD to reveal His love for me just as my friend Kristen had done before and said it really helped. She said it helped her see beauty instead of flaws....
As i looked in the mirror i saw mostly flaws. i took the picture a million times and finally sat further away from the mirror. i did however, thank GOD for all the stories behind my eyes....35 years of them, some known,,,some unknown. Such a journey unfolding. My times are in His Hands....and im thankful and frightened of that right now to be honest...
Instead of resolutions...i merely ask for revelation of His love.....which can only come from Him....not others...this only will fully bring me through midlife crisis and beyond. Anyone reading this???.have you ever done that? asked GOD for revelation of HIs love for you alone? Have you been surprised by good things? or has it been a process hard and sometimes silent? just wondering....
4 comments:
i remember doing that, in college. i think he actually did it. i've never felt closer or dearer to him than i did that summer. sad, i have long since forgotten what that looks like. i truly hope he answers that for you. btw, i'm so glad i've gotten to see 10 of those birthdays!
Mandy, I am SO thankful you have been on this earth 35 years. You are a beautiful woman that I look up to. Yes, I have often asked God to reveal this to me and it is difficult to understand his love for me. I know He is always present and jealous for me, but I forget that!
it IS sad that the Prince of this Earth tries to tell us things that are untrue. Don't listen to him. Your friend Kristen is right....God only speaks words of encouragement and love to us. There is no longer any condemnation. It is never from Him. He does not see the flaws. He sees perfection because of our identity in Christ. You are a beloved child of God...a very personal, God- to -Mandy love. He has put you in this very special place as a young wife and mother....no higher calling than this. It is a selfless life for now...but before you know it, you will be receiving more than you are giving to those two little boys. But for now, it is such important work. It is hard sometimes..and it is fun sometimes but it is all very very worthwhile. I think when I needed God's love revealed to me, it happened slowly and over a period of time. It is a walk of faith and belief--even when you can't see the tangible results. But they will come...they are here every day if we will tune into them. But sometimes they are very dramatic like my move to Marietta. I had no idea how much joy this would bring to my life. One thing I had to learn to do and that is NEVER look into the future. I know you have heard it a thousand times but Jesus only gives us grace for the day. We do not know what the future will bring...but I do know that He will take you through it. Still, He wants us to get through this day one minute, one hour at a time. Sometimes the joy is deep deep down and sometimes it is bubbling over. But it is always there. And I think the joy comes from knowing that Jesus is the joy. He is love. He is real life. And He lives in me. So when my joy is gone for a season, His is still there. His joy always will be there because He knows the end of the story! And it is a very good, forever ending or rather a fulfilling. Keep trusting Him.
By the way, you are not a bad mom because you let your kids watch TV or dvds or whatever. We need some breaks, we need some time to get a few things done, we need some blog time. Anyone who reads your blog knows that you are such a good, amazing, loving mom and wife. That is your heart and your heart is His heart. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. But our true identity is in Him not in our failures, our selfishness, our sins. Nope--we are a new creation. The old things are passing away. The new has come. Keep your eyes on Him...day by day, minute by minute. And know that He sees no flaws! We will never understand such love until we live in a new earth and heaven. But He gives us lots of tasting opportunities. Keep asking Him to live his life through you. It is the only satisfying life there is. Step by step. Little by little. Sometimes it happens in great big leaps. It's all up to Him! I love you, Mandy Mann.
Joanne ( Mrs Petrella? right?),
ha..that's funny you posted twice..i always do that.
i have always assumed it was you writing and responding to the blogs. i hope i'm indeed correct. Thank you SO much for your words of encouragement. you are right that im not listening to the right voices half the time....i love that you said He gives us good "tastes" of heaven on this earth. Very true. Thank you for taking the time to encourage and speak truth...i love you too.
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