Butterfly Sparks Designs

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Great Day Off

Off work. ..mama gone for the day. Peace in the middle East...hasta luego little ones that i dearly love...but mama needs a break. She needs to hear herself think again...she needs: SILENCE!

yes, please.

no T.V. with cartoon-ish sound spilling forth to pacify kids while meals are cooked, no whining to find lost toys in hidden places, no crying for more juice or for no apparent reason, no quarrels that need the mama referee.

When Kevin took the boys out the door this 6 am morning, the house grew SILENT and i understood the weight of this gift being given to me.
it was heavy like a blanket..wrapping me warm. I crawled back into bed...under the white silence and fell back asleep.
When i woke, i woke to silence. No crying forced my eyes awake. ....
I woke when my body wanted....it was nice and it's been too long.

I jumped rope outside, i took a shower, i ate, i went to the bathroom all by myself with no little one asking me questions, i looked in the mirror and applied pink to my lips...the rhythm slow and steady...this too has been too long.
Mama dresses others now and not herself.

I pulled my red rusty bike out...finding out a bike is only as good as it's tires are pumped and it's lock only as good as the combination. Luckily, i found the pump and combo just before i gave up.
i rode the rusty old bike to a coffee shop. I'm rusty at this. A long ride. No hurry. No agenda. The breeze tickles my ears gently, i inhale summer deep... in the distance i hear a man walking and singing loudly out of tune to his music in headphones. i smile. I SMILE and could almost hear it come to my face ear to ear...i sensed my own smile. Not my childrens' smile...but my own. It was nice...it's been too long.

The coffee shop was crowded. I could almost hear my frown. i was desperately wanting a lonely place all to myself....boo hoo.....the one chair left in the corner will do. This is where i will open a book and listen to the only Voice i want to hear today. just His voice.

This book i am reading is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It was given to me by my dear friend (also named Mandy.)It changed her as it is changing me. It's about the art..the good lesson of learning to be Thankful at all times...even when its hard. She says Thankfulness always precedes the miracle..and i too remember that God inhabits praise. This is not "happy-sing-song" stuff; it's remembering and trusting GOD is good when life hits you hard. When Dr.'s announce disease, when disease starts it's nasty course, when death comes too early, when crying babies wake tired parents in the middle of the night, when misunderstanding happen, when it's most inconvenient to chose trust over worry, or hope over fear, a plan vs happenchance...etc. etc.

Warm water falls down my cheek in this coffee shop. The strangers must see..but i don't mind.

I am like Jacob wrestling GOD to understand....like Jacob not wanting to stop until He blesses me and gives me a new name.

i leave the coffee shop and meander home...the boys are still gone. The house still empty. I am not lonely. This silence is softening me. i fight the urges to turn on noise...i wrestle like JAcob to hear what i really have wanted to hear.

I cry a little in the silence. I've been wanting to cry for a while now and only been able to handle the crying of others. My cry is not a sad cry...its a tired cry. It's been too long since i let myself feel...

The day went on in silence....i shopped and read more.i drove and stopped to rest. i looked high in the sky at blue and puffy white beauty. i texted people ( not while driving) but never called. i rested my voice and my thoughts. When the thoughts ran off in a direction unthankful...i caught them and wrestled them new. i never cleaned the house or changed a diaper. i never turned on the T.V. i ate well and thanked GOD for the sunset, for Kevin and the lesson of thankfulness i'm learning. i hugged and kissed my boys goodnight and came here to tell of the day...

Have you had an intentional day off in a while? If so...any lessons learned? If not..you should try to make it happen. Have you read One Thousand Gifts?....for real it's awesome.


Brewers said...

Mandy...you so captured the sate of my existence. IF I go too long I can tell I begin to feel numb, just surviving, not living. You wrote it beautifully. And yes, I read the book this past spring and God continually bring about the phrases about "thanks preceeding the miracle" and "not being able to feel thanks and any other emotion at the same time" I'm constantly battling to see the gifts, but never have I not been able to find one, even in my toughest moments.

Thesupermanns said...

good to hear from you. What is the name of your blog again? i try to click on your name here and can't get to it? So glad to know i'm not alone in this stage of life, and that you read the book too and it still stays with you....so encouraging.

Son said...

Thank you for taking the time to re-cap your day. I'm grateful that you wrestle and cry and desire silence. The beauty God has placed in you is evident!

Lora said...

i am also reading One Thousand Gifts! isn't it awesome?! i actually blogged about it last week. come check it out when you get a minute. hope you are doing well, mandy! :) lora
here's the blog post: