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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Truth V/s Feelings

This entry is me re-telling myself some things....God is nudging me into clearer thinking and dashing wrong views ive had of Him. Its been a sweet time like that. ..read if you like..its long and mostly a journal entry...a place to pour thoughts out. The new lesson: TRUTH VS FEELING...spurred on by a class at our church. Before i dig in.....i give myself full freedom from the guilt of "feeling" things. He created us all human with feelings and reason.....and loves us. In the Bible it says "Jesus wept" for a widow whose son He was about to raise from the dead. He "felt" her pain and walked beside her...even though He was about to fix it all. He wept before he raised her son. Why? This floors me.....maybe He cares for our feelings? HOWEVER, i am ruled by feelings much of the time. Sometimes my feelings create lies about GOD's Character. Such as: I "feel" sad = GOD doesnt love me...or i "feel" happy= God is pleased with me...or i "feel" warm and snug in my home=GOD loves me... i "feel" lonely= GOD isnt there.
Point is....truth remains outside our feelings. "GOD is the same yesterday as today" regardless of how i feel.
When Bennett asks for his 5th cookie that i know will give him a tummy ache, i refuse him...he "feels" mad at me....doesnt understand me....but truth remains that i LOVE him.
I think alot of the time GOD works this way...I "feel"...and it distorts my view of Him.
This class is teaching us the truths of God's character that we know from the Bible. To name an immediate example of how its helping me:
1. I "feel" scared about labor coming up...
Truths: Heb 13:5 "Never will i leave you; never will i forsake you"... or
"not a hair falls from my head without Him knowing..." Romans 8:28 " God works for the good
of those who love him".....on and on...there are many verses that could bring me comfort and dash fears. BUT..i also know He walks into the fear with me...

this Year at the ocean...alone...i jumped in the warm green water and stared out into the horizon that never ended. I let the tears fall...tears that i had never let surface since Bennett was born. i felt the ebb and flow of water lull me into a peaceful rhythm...until all i felt was my heart hurting...i "re-felt" the abandon-ment of my last delivery... Hard to explain..i just felt adandoned by GOD at the end. I wanted to come to the ocean and cry and tell Him i was scared of another delivery...i wanted to yell at GOD and ask why...so i did. I YELLED SO HARD THAT I LOST MY VOICE...i YELLED AT HIM TILL HIS PEACE CAME...( a few people looked at me weird.. but i didnt care..there was barely anyone around)
It was a weird peace that came there...it was real ...to me ...very real and present. His presence seemed to say 'i know"....
And that was it ! and that was all i needed from Him. He didnt offer me any verses or remedies...only His presence that knew i hurt and i was still scared...and that spoke volumes to me.....He Knows......and i somehow i felt He loves me.

So..i go into this labor "FEELING" a bit scared..and knowing a Truth beyond that feeling.



3 comments:

The Musician said...

No words, just a big squish. I'm there with you in thoughts and prayers. I love you, sweet friend!

Lora said...

praying for you for an amazing labor! mine have just gotten easier and easier with each birth. you can do it!! God's grace is sufficient, for His power is made perfect in our weakness..
take care
lora

The Morginskys said...

oh sweet mandy. what a wonderful honest post. i'm glad that you can mourn the past and still trust God for the future. love you!