Today i remember.

I kept thinking along the way, that if i told the story too many times it would lose it's power. That words would cheapen, that somehow time and space would cause the memory to fade and become hazy, that years would quiet the words i heard, the impact it had. But today it is a fire shut up in my bones...if i don't speak of it (like apostle Paul i think said)....i feel like i'll burst. So here i am; remembering, pushing the fire out again...like a dragon, i speak what happened. The fire always re-kindles in my bones. Maybe now i know the story wont lose power.

Spring days like this, when the flowers yell LIFE and birds chirp happily...i remember what a sad girl i was in the hospital looking out the window with tubes in my nose...feeding me. I told them i would eat! i did what they said, and they still stuffed stuffed tubes down my nose!

I was SO ANGRY....at them, at everyone, at GOD if He existed. I believed He did. Sorta. Anyway, what kind of GOD could let this occur so long; all this pain to me, to my family?

What GOD???????????

i remember spring and summer days were too happy for me. They mocked me. I wasn't healthy. I preferred rainy days when it seemed the sky would cry alongside me like a friend. i looked out the window wondering if i would make it through this....if i would ever be happy again.....healthy again.

It's been so long ago....it's a distant memory. The eating disorder. The Obsessive Compulsive disorder. They worked as a mighty team controlling, causing pain to me and others. I made Dr. Blue cry. So many good people surrounded me..loved me,.my family was amazing. But nothing was working to lift their hold....They were winning.

One day, after all the rituals, all the refraining from food for years, the hospitals, all the love that kept pouring out from my parents..my sister, i let the tears and yells spill out my heart and lead me to call on the GOD i thought i knew. I just didnt know there were more parts to Him. Like a Son and a Spirit.

Today i remember, the peace that transcended understanding. I remember saying Jesus' name..asking Him for help. I remember The Spirit which seemed to say, not audibly, yet deep and peaceful enough to wake me up from years of slumber; "Be still and know i am GOD".....psalm 46:10

That was it......a day that changed my life and gave it back. I knew i would get better at that moment. I felt certain Jesus would He heal me, but what shocked me more than the feeling i'd get better, was that Jesus may truly be real?? I was shocked. I still am really. I doubt sometimes. I feel like i'm a miserable servant of His,...but that reminds me i NEED Him and that anything true and good will have to come from Him. The years havent diminished the power of that day. It was wierd. Very wierd....very peaceful.

But on days like today, when the flowers yell LIFE...and the birds chirp happily. I remember with tears of joy. I am HERE...alive and well. i have two precious little boys! I have a wonderful husband. I am HERE!!!!

Thank you GOD....thankyou parents...Thank you GOD....thank you Thank you, thank you thankyou and thank you again.....

i remember...PRAISE YOUR NAME, MY GOD. I haven't forgotten. i won't forget...PLEASE don't let me forget. Protect me. Protect my family...cause the fire to be shut up in my bones..over and over so i can repeatidly turn my gaze to You. So many things always pull me away...But cause me to remember!!

"He lifted the needy out of their affliction" psalm 107:4

Sometimes after i give praise for this...i turn to ask "Why not do the same for other's Lord?".....or "Why not answer some other prayers that i have desperately been praying for a while?"..."Why are Your ways so mysterious, and not my ways.....ha.ha".

I dont know.

But nevertheless. never is it less. This remains part of my story. The fire had to come out today before i got groceries and checked off my "to-do" list. i had to stop today, and remember.